Thursday, October 27, 2011

Falling Back in Love with Bucks County with Julia Child's Help

Recently, I was lucky enough to host my dear friend Chandra, from The Earthfood Experiment, and her daughter at my house for a week. They flew in from Nebraska to hang out and see some sights.  What an awesome opportunity it was for me to get to see my home area the way a tourist does. How often do we do that? To view our own, underappreciated and neglected area in the way someone from out of town would? I have to say, I fell back in love with Bucks.

I’m going to blog about a few things we did, but there is one visit we made that I wanted to put first. And this is why:

About a year ago, my lovely friends planted in my head that I should start this here blog. After they suggested it, I let it roll around in this big old head of mine for a while. It’s like a black hole in there; I’m kind of surprised anything gets out of my head at all. But surprise! It did.  I couldn’t shake the idea, and then like a snazzy little sign from above; I sat down and watched “Julie & Julia”.



The deal was sealed. I officially loved Julia Child, and I officially wanted to become a blog writer.

I had heard that Julia’s kitchen from her Cambridge home had been donated to the Smithsonian in Washington, D.C., and since Chandra and I share a love of Julia and of cooking, we made the trek south.  A few hours and no admission fee later (really, it’s free!) we were there, standing an arm’s length away from the kitchen that had hosted Julia and many guests over the years, not to mention that it made a cook on TV popular for the first time in history.



Her countertops were raised to accommodate her tall frame, and her utensils and pots hung on the pegboard that covered the walls.  Her beloved husband, Paul, mounted each board after Julia had instructed him what would go where and he traced each item so that she would always know exactly where each one went. All around the kitchen, there were personal items. It certainly didn’t look like the cooking shows today; Julia actually welcomed the viewer into her daily home. It was…homey!



In addition to being able to see her kitchen, the exhibit also had photos, videos, and little quotes that Julia had made over the years. This was my favorite:


At the end of the exhibit, I was already ecstatic. Julia’s energy and love of life seemed palpable.  As we walked out, there were pictures and plaques lining the wall that explained her life a little bit more, and mementos that held significance. Her diploma from Le Cordon Bleu, her mortar and pestle that Paul gave to her on Valentine’s Day when she first enrolled. 



There were pictures of her and Paul, always smiling and joyous. And below her wedding picture, and plaque explained how and when they met and that they married in Stockton, New Jersey. Say what?!



Stockton is a common stomping ground of mine! I bought my Christmas tree there last year. I was astounded to think that she married in Jersey! And when I returned home to Bucks County, I Googled (there I go again with the Googling!) I found out that while she had married in Stockton, she and Paul had their wedding reception in good old Bucks County!!!! MY Bucks County! Right in Lumberville, which I have been to a million times, and it even holds the bridge that in my family is referred to as “the spanking bridge” because my younger sister got her rear smacked on that bridge for a temper tantrum. I can’t believe that my sister got her butt whacked in the same town that Julia Child had her reception in! How many more exclamation points can I fit into this paragraph?

And that was the first day of my love affair do-over with Bucks. There were many more to follow…so keep reading.

I haven’t said “thanks” in a while to you, readers. So thanks for reading and coming along on my journey.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

First Stop: Procrastination Station. And being your own advocate. Random.

Well here I am. After a long break, which I didn’t plan, I’m back again. Where have I been, you ask? You’re probably not asking, but I’m going to share anyway.  I have been (drum roll, please)…procrastinating. That’s right, folks. I have been residing in the land of avoidance, putting off and stressing out about it. I can assure you; this is not where you want to be.  Procrastination Station is the first stop folks....



Have you ever woken up in the morning, and despite how much you know you love yourself, you decide that you don’t “like” yourself right now? I just did that. I sat up yesterday and realized that I haven’t liked myself since June. That’s a long time!  Before you start to wonder why it is you take advice from me or read my blog, let me explain.

Somewhere in the beginning of the summer, I started to feel like crap. That’s the most eloquent way I can describe it. Lower back pain, cramps, exhausted and really off focus.  But I had an epic trip out West planned, and about a million things going on, so there was really no way I could squeeze in any “me” time, let alone doctor’s offices or tests. I did what most women, and all moms, do. I put myself squarely on the back burner.

My hang out session on the back burner led me to the land of procrastination.  See, instead of Candyland, I prefer Procrastinationland. Complete with stops along the way in Wine-O Ville, Binge Eating Boro and Stressed Out Station.  And this journey, my friends, ended (thankfully) yesterday when I realized that I was stressed out much more than I was willing to admit to myself or anyone else.  Does it seem odd to anyone else that this would somehow make me feel BETTER?

I realized I’d been stressed about my house, my job and my health. Toss into this mix being a single mom raising two young kids. Not only was I stressed, but I was hiding. Waiting for the moment when I would wake up and my problems would be gone. Ummm….when has that EVER happened?! Right. Never.

Over the months of feeling badly, I’ve done what you should NEVER do when you’re feeling a medical issue coming on: Google it. Worst. Idea. Ever.  And since my medical “issue” is one of a female variety, I was even more distressed when I began my insane web searching. At several points over the months, I clearly saw two things.  First was that I should not be Googling this, and that I was putting off getting help. And instead of doing so, I put it off out of fear and excuses. I told myself it would go away, and I dealt with this stress in a variety of unappealing ways.  And therefore, became a little less of my real self.

Today I marched into the OBGYN’s office. Maybe slowly, reluctantly tip-toed in would be a better description. But you get the point.  And I sat down in that fancy paper dress they gave me, freezing because those offices are always sub zero. Does anyone know why? I’d love some insight. Anyhow, in came the doctor, who asked me why I was there. I gave her the run down and she, in turn, treated me like I was nuts. She picked apart my reasoning, insinuated that I didn’t know my body as well as I think and almost pushed me out of the office without so little as an internal exam.  And here’s where it gets interesting. I PUSHED BACK. I dressed her down for turning away a woman who was attempting to finally be proactive with her health. I told her that if I was a more timid woman, I would’ve left and been happy that I had a doctor tell me it was nothing to worry about. And HERE’S THE KICKER. She reluctantly gave me the exam, and she found something. Likely a cyst, which was my assumption from a hundred and fifty hours of scientific Google research.  



So, you see, my post has two times the preaching today. First, try your best to tackle your struggles head on. Half of my stress was just from the unknown and the knowing that I had issues to deal with that weren’t going away until I solved them. I know it was juvenile of me to hope that these problems would be magically solved (this is not the kind of magical thinking that I support!) but I honestly tapped out for a few months. I had it with problem solving and balancing. I wanted to travel, to see the country, to enjoy time with my family and friends. And so I did, but not without the other shoe eventually dropping. And that’s okay; it taught me one more thing about myself. That I CAN sort this out, that I will come out on the other side. And since I went to the doctors, I know that I can handle it, I’m already on my path.

My other take away is to be your own best advocate. I learned this as a mom; no one in the world will ever be a better advocate for your kids. You know them best. The same goes for you. Put yourself first when it matters, and push when you know its right. Teach these people a small daily lesson when they try to discourage you because someone peed in their Cheerios that morning, or they simply “don’t have time”.  This is your right, to be responsible for yourself and to stick around for your loved ones. What if I HAD been that timid woman? What if I had left and something were very wrong? That alone makes me wish for you that you are always your own hero.

So, tomorrow and every day after, be your own Superhero. Since its Halloween, you’ll have no problem finding some spandex and a cape.  Send me a picture.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Enjoying the Holiday Minus One and Halloween Craft Links

Everyone who knows me can tell you that I've always been a Halloween fan(atic). For ten years, I hosted big Halloween costume parties that my wonderful friends spent months thinking about costumes for. I've been a witch (a million times), Queen Elizabeth, a dominatrix, a vampire, Satine from Moulin Rouge. The whole nine yards. I even have a casket in my basement. That last prop is my favorite, especially when I have a cable guy come to the house and I get to tell him that the cable hook up is in the already spooky basement, to the right of the casket. That REALLY gets the looks!



But a few years ago, when I got separated and simultaneously my younger sister stopped speaking to entire family, the fun of the Fall season, especially as a precursor to the holidays, stopped being fun. I stopped hosting my party, I didn't do my normal decorating or autumn walks with my kids. I didn't celebrate the autumnal equinox or iron leaves in between two pieces of wax paper ( a personal favorite). Thanksgiving and Christmas with my wonderful family had become not so lovely. Not because we didn't want to enjoy it, but the dynamic of attendees, mostly my sister, was very different. The loud laughter wasnt there any more, and my mother and father in particular were withdrawn and quiet. I know I would be also if my daughter didn't speak to me. Especially considering how hard they worked to raise us very close, and with a strong sense of family that would work anything out together.

So here we are, years later. She is still not speaking to the majority of us and doesn't come around for gatherings. But you know, that's okay. That's her choice. I don't have to agree with it, I just have to move on from it.  Which I have done, but the family hadn't.  I'm a firm believer that I don't have time or interest in trying to convince someone to be in my life, and why I should be in theirs.   It should be an organic, natural feeling.  But one member of a family can't change the dynamic alone.  In a negative way, yes, because she did by leaving.  But after that, the family had to be reshaped.  And there had to be a grieving period that no one else can live for you. That takes time, it takes strength and it takes work. And it takes understanding.  I didn't possess that in the beginning.

Suddenly... something changed. My mother, who is obviously the cornerstone of the family along with my dad, has become more engaged. We've been going out together again and visiting again. The black cloud has lifted, the hardest part of grieving seems to have passed. Or perhaps we all just recognized how short life really is.

I'm even more committed to making this holiday season, starting now, the way it always was. Yes, it's changed but here's the fact: those of us who WANT to be an active part of the family are still here. And we need to stop waiting around for someone who has "opted out" of the family. It's their loss, let them create their own happiness. Finally, we're recognizing that we have to do the same. I have kids to make into holiday fanatics. I have a wonderful family to spend time with NOW. And I have friends who love it as well, so why not enjoy what I've got right now? I've learned that I'm very glad that I'm not the one who opted out, it's made me happy to know that I am committed to working through family issues, versus running from them. Every family has issues, but not everyone has the committment to working it out.  I don't want to miss a Christmas, or a hilarious family birthday dinner or a chance to make a new memory.

In celebration of this awesome time of the year, I'm sharing a couple of my favorite DIY crafts. Check out these creative blogs, they have fantastic ideas, especially great for treats to send in with your kids to school, or to hide away in the corner and eat by yourself. Not that I've done that. I just promise not to judge you if you do!



I hope you're enjoying this time of the year. In times past, this is the time of the year to rest and celebrate with family and friends after a long harvest season. Put your own spin on it by embracing what and who you have in your life right now. Stop worrying about not being able to change someone else, and work on making yourself the best you can be.  I get to making some memories by ironing leaves in between some wax paper sheets. I'm sure you'll love it too.



"Every beginning is a consequence - every beginning ends some thing."  ~Paul Valery

Check 'Em Out:

The Paper Wreath at Retropolitan

marshmallow Jack O Lanterns at A Simply Klassic Home

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

If You Only Read One Speech, Make It This One by Steve Jobs.

On my way home from yoga tonight, I heard that Steve Jobs had passed away. Over the years I spent in finance, I read many interviews with him and was very familiar with his impact on that industry. The waves he created were still ripples when they arrived at my office and impacted our investment decisions. But after I "retired" from wealth management, and I began to spend time looking inward I began to read about Steve Jobs, the man.  Especially after he was diagnosed with his illness, he began to speak about it and his reflections on life.  I learned that he was a Buddhist, he didn't allow his children to watch TV for fear that it would stifle their creativity, he lived in an unfurnished house for almost 10 years, he slept in the Lincoln bedroom, he was married for 20 years to the love of his life. And in 2005, he gave the commencement address at Stanford.

There was a time when I would've never slowed down to read a speech (it sounds ridiculous to READ a SPEECH!). But those years are behind me, and frequently in my writing and my occasional life coaching moments, I struggle with explaining my approach to life. I got many odd looks when I tattooed "C'est La Vie" and "C'est La Mort" on my arms, which is Such is Life, Such is Death.  But to me, you can't appreciate your life without understanding that it's a gift. Every second of it.  It's not morbid, it's fact. You can romanticize it all you want, but the facts are the facts. So today, right now, live your best life, love yourself and those around you. Steve Jobs got that, because he had no choice. But you do. So I say start today.



So without further ado, here is his speech. I cannot add anything to it, it's perfect the way it is.  Please read it and think about it, meditate on it, sing it, I don't care. Just hope that it sinks in:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last-minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960′s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The "Kiss" Off: My 100 Item Update

About three weeks ago, I posted about my own personal 100 Item Challenge. This was originally intended to help me along with the physical part of my eventual move out of my house. I’ve found it to be much more helpful with my emotional preparation though.  It’s been oddly cathartic, and I’ve really enjoyed giving away items that don’t have the best memories attached to them for me, but hopefully they will bring joy and good memories to the next person.  Plus, I’m down one chiminea, two pictures, 23 pair of jeans and a bunch of professional clothes from my “past life”.  In my eyes, that equates to at least three boxes, two pictures that would go from the attic here to the attic there and a chiminea that got red dust on me every time I looked at it.  Not to mention it had a big star and horseshoe on it, with the word “Texas”. And clearly any short sighted goal I had to move to Texas in those five minutes I spent deliberating to buy it have flown out the window.  I haven’t seen any chiminea’s with “Pennsylvania” emblazoned on it. Can’t imagine why not.  



For instance, this story really demonstrates how this process has helped me come full circle: Many years ago, a close friend of mine gave my ex-husband and I a print of “The Kiss” by Gustav Klimt for our engagement present. She knew that it had been on the front of the first card he had ever given me, when we were 21 years old.  Fast forward thirteen or so years. She and I are no longer friends and he and I are broken up. And that picture was still floating around. I don’t harbor a grudge, and I don’t look back at my marriage with any regret. I don’t, however, need constant reminders of it. So I took a picture and posted it on my trusty go to site: Craigslist.  And sure enough, in a matter of hours someone had committed to it and said she would drive up the next day to pick it up.

Sure enough, the next day the young woman arrived with her small son in tow. I went out to meet her so my ferocious guard dogs wouldn’t flip out. I introduced myself, put the picture into her back seat next to her sleeping little boy and chatted with her for just a few moments. Nothing big, just smiled and sent her off with a wave and a picture that needed a new lease on life.

Imagine my surprise when I received an email from her later that day. She explained that she and her family had recently moved to Philly, and that I was the nicest person she’d met so far.  She had been here for almost two months! I explained that I thought she was exactly where she was meant to be, and I assured her that Philly got better. I sincerely hope this last part is true…Philly can be a tough town!

How great it was to give away a sentimental item that had gone from a shiny sparkly memory to a dull and rough one. Now it was in a new house, gathering new appreciation and hopefully having an opportunity to redeem itself in the memory department. And along the way, I got to make someone happy, feel good about giving something away and make a human connection.  And all it took was a smile, a recycled picture and a few small moments out of my day to say “Hello, how are you?”

No big deal, right? When I run out in my yoga pants the next time, with my hair all wonky and no makeup on and just basically want to hide my sleepy face, I will still remember to take a second to stop and smile and say hello. Sometimes it’s all that stranger needs to keep her chin up in a new town, or to put in one more day that she didn’t think she wanted to put in. I’ll remember it the next time I am speaking with a waitress who tells me the cook is out of just what I fiercely wanted at the moment (that was pork roll, this last Sunday), because she’s likely just there to feed her family or to make some extra money towards her goals. And I’ll remember it the next time I deal with a stranger that I never know their own unique story, they could be looking to make a fresh start and shed some old memories like I am. And I hope in their memory and my own, I’ve got a big, warm smile on my face.