Have you ever woken up in the morning, and despite how much you know you love yourself, you decide that you don’t “like” yourself right now? I just did that. I sat up yesterday and realized that I haven’t liked myself since June. That’s a long time! Before you start to wonder why it is you take advice from me or read my blog, let me explain.
Somewhere in the beginning of the summer, I started to feel like crap. That’s the most eloquent way I can describe it. Lower back pain, cramps, exhausted and really off focus. But I had an epic trip out West planned, and about a million things going on, so there was really no way I could squeeze in any “me” time, let alone doctor’s offices or tests. I did what most women, and all moms, do. I put myself squarely on the back burner.
My hang out session on the back burner led me to the land of procrastination. See, instead of Candyland, I prefer Procrastinationland. Complete with stops along the way in Wine-O Ville, Binge Eating Boro and Stressed Out Station. And this journey, my friends, ended (thankfully) yesterday when I realized that I was stressed out much more than I was willing to admit to myself or anyone else. Does it seem odd to anyone else that this would somehow make me feel BETTER?
I realized I’d been stressed about my house, my job and my health. Toss into this mix being a single mom raising two young kids. Not only was I stressed, but I was hiding. Waiting for the moment when I would wake up and my problems would be gone. Ummm….when has that EVER happened?! Right. Never.
Over the months of feeling badly, I’ve done what you should NEVER do when you’re feeling a medical issue coming on: Google it. Worst. Idea. Ever. And since my medical “issue” is one of a female variety, I was even more distressed when I began my insane web searching. At several points over the months, I clearly saw two things. First was that I should not be Googling this, and that I was putting off getting help. And instead of doing so, I put it off out of fear and excuses. I told myself it would go away, and I dealt with this stress in a variety of unappealing ways. And therefore, became a little less of my real self.
Today I marched into the OBGYN’s office. Maybe slowly, reluctantly tip-toed in would be a better description. But you get the point. And I sat down in that fancy paper dress they gave me, freezing because those offices are always sub zero. Does anyone know why? I’d love some insight. Anyhow, in came the doctor, who asked me why I was there. I gave her the run down and she, in turn, treated me like I was nuts. She picked apart my reasoning, insinuated that I didn’t know my body as well as I think and almost pushed me out of the office without so little as an internal exam. And here’s where it gets interesting. I PUSHED BACK. I dressed her down for turning away a woman who was attempting to finally be proactive with her health. I told her that if I was a more timid woman, I would’ve left and been happy that I had a doctor tell me it was nothing to worry about. And HERE’S THE KICKER. She reluctantly gave me the exam, and she found something. Likely a cyst, which was my assumption from a hundred and fifty hours of scientific Google research.
So, you see, my post has two times the preaching today. First, try your best to tackle your struggles head on. Half of my stress was just from the unknown and the knowing that I had issues to deal with that weren’t going away until I solved them. I know it was juvenile of me to hope that these problems would be magically solved (this is not the kind of magical thinking that I support!) but I honestly tapped out for a few months. I had it with problem solving and balancing. I wanted to travel, to see the country, to enjoy time with my family and friends. And so I did, but not without the other shoe eventually dropping. And that’s okay; it taught me one more thing about myself. That I CAN sort this out, that I will come out on the other side. And since I went to the doctors, I know that I can handle it, I’m already on my path.
My other take away is to be your own best advocate. I learned this as a mom; no one in the world will ever be a better advocate for your kids. You know them best. The same goes for you. Put yourself first when it matters, and push when you know its right. Teach these people a small daily lesson when they try to discourage you because someone peed in their Cheerios that morning, or they simply “don’t have time”. This is your right, to be responsible for yourself and to stick around for your loved ones. What if I HAD been that timid woman? What if I had left and something were very wrong? That alone makes me wish for you that you are always your own hero.
So, tomorrow and every day after, be your own Superhero. Since its Halloween, you’ll have no problem finding some spandex and a cape. Send me a picture.
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