I spent a lot of time these last few weeks talking at length with my friends. We covered all topics while we sat in the sun on the beach. And it was perfect.
While we did cover everything from politics to men to kids, one theme repeatedly came up. And what was that theme? Something fun? No. It was to say what you mean. Not as simple as it would seem, because it comes with all kind of uncomfortable feelings attached.
But don’t you think there’s a point that you come to in your life when you get tired of tip toeing around? And I’m referring to saying what you mean, good and bad. For instance, I met someone over the weekend that was going to meet a girl she had a falling out with. When I asked what the falling out was about, she said because the woman just wasn’t a good person. She proceeded to explain and give examples, and from what I heard I would agree with her. I asked if she intended to tell the woman when she saw her. Initially, she said no. But once we continued to speak, she had changed her mind. This “old friend” of hers had been intentionally cruel and snarky on several occasions, and demonstrated no traits of a true friend. I found myself trying to impress upon this new acquaintance that she not only owed it to herself, but also to the woman, to be honest. Of course, there is every chance that this woman won’t take kindly to being told that she’s unkind and that it has, in turn, cost her a friend. But there is a slim chance that the woman will have an “a-ha” moment. Maybe no one has ever told her because of that “uncomfortable feeling” clause?
I’ve also decided to just tell people how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable with putting my own feelings “out there” before they have. Even running the risk that I may never know how someone feels about me, I at least know that at the end of the day they are clear about my feelings. If they’re too scared or nervous about letting someone else in, they know in no uncertain terms how I feel about them. I know that I’ve given them every truth, and every chance to know who I am. I do go to bed those nights knowing I’ve done the right thing for my heart, and that I’ve shed some of the ego that tends to be the downfall of relationships between so many friends and lovers.
Honesty is part of humanity that people have become afraid of. Go visit any playground and observe. Kids will walk right up to one another and call each other out without malice. They do it factually, just as they will with a kind word. If they are ticked that a kid cut in the slide line, they tell them. If they love the other kid, they also tell them this. When did we, as adults, stop doing this? When our ego got in the way, or we realized there could be hurt involved? Women and men do this to one another all the time as adults, myself included. No woman wants to expose her feelings to a man without knowing he feels the same. But I've started to do it anyway, to swallow that fear and insecurity. And you know what? There's a degree of power that comes along with it. If my honest feelings cause the relationship to move forward without the games, perfect. If my honest feelings go unanswered, I can walk away without wondering if I should have done or said something differently.
We owe it to others and ourselves to go to bed at the end of a day knowing we’ve done what we can, whether that’s having that hard talk or giving back in another way. Be the first to say I love you, be the first to say I miss you, hopefully be the last to tell someone they’ve been unkind. Go be fearless, be a friend, be a lover.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
Dalai Lama
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