I realized that starting over has become a huge facet of my life. I have come to like the few days of disgruntlement (is that a word? It is now!), because after those few days of climbing into my own head, something creative and inspired makes its way out. I realize that’s a terrible mental picture, but you get my point. I sit down to write, or to read, listen to my favorite music or play the guitar, I make and produce something. Sometimes it’s really horrible music from said guitar, but that’s okay. To be inspired and to become inspiring is what I set out for. It’s a constant cycle, essentially the butterfly and the caterpillar, I recognize. Those few days of jumbled thoughts and uncomfortable nervous energy that make up my version of a caterpillar make way for something else, my personal version of a butterfly.
In the past, I’ve haven’t always been able to put my finger on what was bothering me. I just knew a few days would go by, accompanied by a bad mood and an aversion to doing pretty much anything. Now I realize it; it’s my way of prompting myself to move on and change something. Whether it’s a relationship that just isn’t feeling right, or a lack of creativity, or a hiccup at work. Whatever it is, I’ve learned to listen to my internal voice much more.
And when I look back at my “start overs”, I realize many of them were not only necessary, but absolutely the right choice. I need that rebirth and semi-clean slate, as most of us do. When we dwell on the negative without changing it or taking a fresh look at it from a different perspective, we get tangled up in it and eventually dragged down. I’m sure you’ve watched this happen to someone you know. Watching it happen is always easier to take that knowing it’s happening to us.
The larger start overs take more courage, sure, but they’re just the first big step. Like ending my marriage. That was the first big start over years ago. I had gone a decade refusing to acknowledge that nagging feeling, stuffing it down into that box that held all of my avoided issues like a best friend that didn’t fit anymore, a super stressful job doing something I wasn’t passionate about, a freeze on my creativity and my sensual and sexual side. None of these things are good. Oh, and my passion as a whole was shoved and crumpled into a far, dark corner.
Once I made that first leap, which was of course the most difficult, I realized that I could make it through the rebirth. I really could start over, large and small. And I have. I opened that box, and let everything out of my Pandora's Box.
So when you feel a nagging, try to take the time that you deserve and figure it out. Everyone’s method of figuring it out is different, mine is music and creative endeavors along with nature. Be willing to face it, it will do you a world of good down the road. You’ll learn that nagging is very rarely nothing to worry about.
You’re internal alarm is going off for a reason, trust yourself more and worry about other people’s opinions less. Because in the end, everyone gets to enjoy the beautiful butterfly you’ve become, but you’re the one responsible for it taking flight.
In the meantime, here is a very small portion of my internal sorting out playlist:
The Weary Kind, by Ryan Bingham
California Waiting, Kings of Leon
Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson but the Sugarland version
Gypsy, Stevie Nicks
Nothing Left to Lose, Mat Kearney
Wicked Game, Chris Isaak
Turpentine, Brandi Carlile. Anything by Brandi will do.
Anything by the Counting Crows, the Eagles. And any band named after birds. Nah….just kidding about that last part. Would love to hear your list!
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