A Man's Legacy: An Open Note to My Father and My Son

November happens to be the birth month of the favorite two men in my life: My dad and my son.  My birthday lands smack in the middle of theirs, ten days after my sons and 9 before my dads. This is an interesting parallel to me, since I try to parent Z (my son) that way. What I mean is this: he's 7 now. My dad is in his 60's.  I see Z as the man in the making now, and I see my father as the goal line. I am simply the person in between the two, trying to make it happen. I see myself as a conduit for my father's legacy.



It is easy for me to carry on my mom's legacy with my daughter and son, but it's an every day struggle to raise a man as a single mom and to instill good qualities. Especially since he's so much like me in the best ways: he's a wild nature lover, he's in love with simple things and always stops to smell the roses, he's impulsive and passionate, he is kind.  And he's like me in the not so great ways: he's impulsive and passionate, he's stubborn as you can get, he's kind to a fault, he's hardheaded and cannot be convinced to do it any other way. But I know every day that it would be so much harder to raise a man if I didn't have such a good role model to base it on.

And lucky for me, I do have the best role model you can find. My son idolizes my father, as I did when I was younger and still do. When Z talks about getting bigger, he almost always follows the statement with "like Pop-Pop".  This makes me ridiculously happy, because I know he sees many things worth emulating in my father including patience, kindness, humor and unabashed love and affection for his loved ones.

Now of course, as a daddy's girl,  dating has been an adventure. I didn't marry someone like my dad. Oddly, none of the three sisters married a man remotely similar to my dad. I find this crazy and don't really have an excuse for it. Perhaps it was....maybe it was...I was drugged? Hmmm, no. I've got nothing. Except for that hardheadedness I referred to earlier. Two out of three of us are divorced, clearly we recognized the error.  I suppose that I could give up on finding someone with the traits that I think are the best about my dad, but I find that's what I did when I got married. I thought that they weren't really THAT important.  But then I asked myself this question:  Who wouldn't want a man who is honest, hard working, loyal, loving and diverse?  Who loves his wife, loves life and is never bored because he's out and about and trying something new? That's a man I could hang out with.

So today, on my dad's birthday, I want to say this. THANK YOU, DAD. For being a wonderful example of a man, husband, father and brother. Thank you for giving me faith that quality people exist and it's worth the effort to find them, that kindness and love don't have a boundary or expiration date (or else I would've used it up in my teenage years) and that I can raise my son to be like his hero. Because unlike his plastic superheros with tights on and shields, sometimes his real life hero shows up in denim shirts with mother of pearl snaps, Wrangler jeans, work boots and answers to "Pop-Pop".

My Simple Holiday Kickoff: The Newtown Theater and The Miracle on 34th Street

Occasionally I write about local vendors that I like. Occasionally I write about living simplistically. Tonight, I'm doing a combo. This past weekend I spent almost entirely alone. This was by design. For the better part of Saturday and Sunday, I was able to whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I've spent most of the past month or so convincing myself to enjoy the holiday season. The last few were rocky, and this year I feel that I'm in a good, happy place and want to commit to enjoying my time with my kids and my loved ones. So I've totally thrown myself into the season. I have watched every single Lifetime Christmas special. So many of them have Lauren Holly in it, it's scary. And don't get me started on whatever she's done to her lips. Yikes.



Anyhow, I'm committed. So I have dragged my decorations out, despite that a full box of Halloween decor is waiting in the dining room to go up to the attic. I know one should've been gone before the other moved in. But I kind of like that the dining room is gothic and Halloweenish, and the living room is all 50's kitsch Christmas.  I have absolutely realized that I prefer the 50's Christmas. I love tinsel, I would not be going too far to say I'm obsessed. If there was a tinsel dress, I'd rock it. Yes I would.



I love the big, blinky lights and the antique Christmas balls. In fact, I've started to collect them.  A few years ago, I realized that I'd misplaced my Grandmothers antique ornaments (I hope to find them when I move out). And I was bummed. No. Bummed, with a capital B. So I began to build my own collection.  I've got several from Cape Cod, Colorado and some I stumbled upon this weekend at a flea market.   I like to imagine the joy they've brought people over the years before they came to live with me. And they remind me of my Grandmother and her tree, which is a special memory to me.



I recognize that my love of old ornaments, 50's decor and tinsel is because of the simplicity that it represents. That it seemed easier back then, though I'm sure it wasn't. The women were dressed beautifully, they got dressed for their husbands in swirly pretty dresses and pearls. The husband always sat in their arm chair smiling at his kids. If they were brats, you damn well couldn't tell by his gleaming smile. There was Ralphie and that brother of his...Randy? And the FRAGILE leg lamp. Life was easy.



Regardless of if it was really easier, I like to think it was. So I enjoy it immensely and the simple side of the holiday. And because of this, I took myself to the Newtown Theater in good old Newtown, PA. It's the NATIONS oldest theater. How cool is that?! In December, they offer their annual Christmas Matinees, where they charge $1 or a canned good donation. And they play all the classics. This week was "Miracle on 34th Street", which I realized I'd never seen.



I went in, bought popcorn out of the old-fashioned machine, and got myself movie candy and an orange soda. And I sat and watched Maureen O'Hara, John Payne, Edmund Gwenn and Natalie Wood change people's perceptions and melt their hearts. And I remembered what I'd forgotten for a few years...that sometimes it's just a matter of believing.

Thanksgiving Thanks for Ex's Who Make it Easy to Move On

We all have those moments when we pretend our ex’s don’t mean as much as they do. Luckily, I’m fairly transparent and my friends see right through this. But we all have that thorn in our side, the ex that we just can’t let go of for some inexplicable reason.

It doesn’t matter if you’re with someone else; if you’re single and “totally over him” or you’re somewhere pining away (I hope this is not the case, go get a hobby!). But you and I know there is just SOMETHING that you can’t shake off. That’s okay, it happens to the best of us. Especially those of us that are passionate people. We’re drawn chemically to other passionate people. Like it or not, there is something that pulls passionate people into one another’s orbit.  And when we meet, its borderline magic and catastrophe.  It also tends to make it impossible to move on to a normal, good person afterwards. Or at least to be “all in”.

We spend some time wondering how long it’s going to take this schmuck to get it, to realize what he’s passing up. And sometimes, they go on and help us to move on faster.  They do something stupid and make us remember why we left them to begin with, or why we should be glad to be without them now.  I like to think of this as a cosmic smack in the face telling us to get the hell over it and move on. 

I have a good deal of experience on this subject, which I’m certain points out to everyone what questionable taste in men I have. I know this. And I have also been on the flip side, where I have been the schmuck that gave a guy a reason to move on from me…such as my vocal opinion on marriage (as in, I’m not doing it again), babies (as in, I’m not doing that again, either) and my aversion to being generally well behaved all the time, to being ladylike ALL the time, and that I have no desire to apologize for a man’s lack of confidence and comfort with an “in your face” kind of gal.

That being said, my point (and I do have one) is to really FEEL that cosmic smack in the face. Look at that person for who they demonstrate that they really are. This is not to say they’re bad people, just not the person for you.  Women, in particular, have the tendency to make excuses for the ex. We convince ourselves that him dating a woman-child is a bluff; maybe he didn’t realize that she was born after Reagan was elected and after neon socks were in fashion? It’s okay if she has no idea what Aussie Sprunch spray is because she only had baby peach fuzz.

 

Or maybe it’s okay that he keeps calling you while he’s dating someone else, because clearly he doesn’t love her as much as he loved (oh wait, LOVES) you. Even though he was probably calling her while he was dating you. Just sayin…



Here’s an idea of things that should help you to move on, should your ex do one, or God forbid, all, of them:

He is in a relationship with someone new, but keeps contacting you to get together (and you, of course, keep saying NO!).

He dates someone born in a totally different musical genre/timeframe. Trust me, that’s a big enough gap.

He dated you while having another girlfriend the entire time, whom he spoke poorly to you about when her name came up. Oh yes, this has happened. To me. For almost a year. Like I said, questionable taste in men.

He gives himself a “makeover” to make up for his age. As in, dyes his hair, waxes his chest, starts obsessively working out and questions changing his name to something more “hip”.



He hasn’t yet done the smallest thing you’ve requested as a “deal breaker”, but yet has time to beg to come back or drink with his buddies.

He hangs out with people that are all ten plus years younger.  Red flag much? Impending mid-life crisis?

And these are just a few…and the “he” can be replaced with "she" easily, because as well all know, we’ve been on the other side. Some of my breakups actually make me giggle if I think back to how ridiculously I acted. But I generally only acted ridiculously if I didn’t care about that person leaving, which in itself is a revelation about relationships. Maybe he/she would’ve acted differently if they did really care. How’s that movie title go? Right! “He’s Just Not That into You”. Bingo.



Here’s to finding someone equally into you as you are into him this New Year, and to listening to that little inner voice that’s screaming “Watch Out! You’re about to get the shit smacked out of you by the cosmos!”

Finding the Unexpected Beauty of Life in the Phoenix Airport

One of my favorite things in the world is travelling. One of my least favorite things is leaving my children. Therefore a dilemma arises when I’m faced with business travel.  Since I am the first person to admit that working from home has probably been the biggest blessing this last three or so years, I’m also the last person to complain when company travel comes up. I pack my obnoxious leopard bag and head out the door after some hardcore stressing out and child care planning.  Business travel becomes exponentially more complicated when you’re a single mom. Not to mention, the stress of actually putting one foot in front of the other to physically get on the plane. That part gets tricky.

I am not a natural flyer. You know, a natural is someone who doesn’t sweat profusely or panic wildly when they think about getting on a plane. I would definitely fall into the opposite of a natural flyer. My parents both dislike air travel, therefore I was raised a hardcore road tripper. This has been a blessing and curse. Blessing in that I love to travel to new places and I’m totally comfortable wherever I go, and I’m like a kid discovering somewhere new. Curse in that sweaty, panicky way I mentioned earlier. Something like the below picture.

I will add that I’ve gotten better. I don’t require the Xanax anymore. Or the brown paper bag. Or the wine.  I just really love to see and experience new places, so I have begun to take that opportunity where it presents itself. Travel has landed on my door step, and I take that as a sign that I have a lot to see.

This week I flew to California, via Phoenix on a layover. I sat on the plane, waiting to leave Phoenix, actually in line to take off. I slid up the shade that the previous flier had slid down to shut out the outside world. And when I did, I saw that it was sunset. And it isn’t called the Valley of the Sun for nothing. It was so stunning, I almost cried. Because I am now, and hope to always remain, a sap like that. I cried the first time I saw snow capped mountains. I am regularly moved to the verge of tears by the sight of the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes.



So here I was, a little bummed to be on a plane across the country from my people, and I realized something important. Two things, actually. That THIS moment, this awareness and appreciation for one of the most majestic moments in life, the setting of the sun over the mountains in the desert, is exactly WHO I am. The people in front and behind me had their shades pulled tight, and my face was smacked so closely against the window that I wondered what I must look like from the other side. Bonkers, I’m sure. And that is A-Ok with me, because I think those people with their shades pulled are missing a chip. And that lead to my second moment, the one that made me realize life is made up of these moments. And if you don’t pull up the shade, you’ll never see them. 



I mean, I was taking off in Phoenix, looking at a painted sky behind the mountains and a blazing sun, and landing to the vision of the California moon. And I got to see this all at the most unexpected moment.

Be on the lookout for your unexpected moments. And be sure to always pull up your shade and smack your face against that window. Life is better there.

 

*These aren’t my pics, as I was gonna get tossed if I turned on my phone. But these look JUST like what I got to witness. And I’ll be posting a few posts this weekend…had lots of time to think while I traveled. Upcoming…San Francisco thoughts and my visit, and how awesome it is when an Ex makes it easier to move on. Stay tuned, peeps.

Kindness Challenge #2: Winter as a Rebirth

Here’s an insider blog secret that you probably don’t know (if you don’t blog). I can see your thoughts.  Nervous yet?  Insert maniacal laughter here… Wondering if you had some questionable thoughts before I tapped into your deepest, darkest and possibly dirtiest thoughts? Oooohhh…I hope so! It’s been a slow morning for me.

What I actually mean is that every blog host website has a “path” of how people have come to find your blog. I know that about half of my daily readership are regular readers who have signed up and get my posts emailed to them (if you haven’t yet, you should). But you other half…you’ve stumbled onto my site because you were looking for something, or Googling the random two words of “kindness” or “spirituality”.  Granted, not everyone arrived here searching for those two words. Sometimes, I wonder all together how people have ended up on my site when they have searched the following words: dust picture books, pot de polyster, drunk girls, and my favorite, cows and pigs.  Now, I may have a questionable memory but I don’t recall having drunk girls hanging out with cows and pigs on my site, but weirder things have happened I suppose.



But for those of you who have landed here looking for thoughts on kindness and spirituality, I applaud you. You have felt the pull to further explore those things, good for you.  You’re done feeling like this material and surface world that you’ve been surrounded by is “good enough”.

This morning, I’m going to focus on the kindness part. I recognize that waking up every day with a shiny, happy outlook is a hurdle. It simply doesn’t happen. But the outlook MOST of the time is what really counts. In the Buddhist tradition, this is called “Intention”. When was the last time you actually thought about your own intentions? It can be kind of scary, really. Our intentions are really not as pristine and pure hearted as we’d all like to believe. Sometimes revenge is the intention, sometimes it’s head games with our lover, sometimes it’s our own gain. We have many ways to dress it up to make it SEEM like good intentions, but we know in our heart that’s not the case.  But we can change that with effort and commitment.

The simple word “intention” means a determination to act in a certain way.  So you see, even on those mornings that you have to drag yourself out of bed, have to take a cold shower, get cut off on the way to the office only to get there and realize you have two different shoes on?  They count too, so long as behind your actions (even if you are miserable) your intention is kindness. And perhaps the best effort at kindness you can make is to stay silent when your coworker royally pisses you off?  Yep, that counts.  Because you could have torn her a new one, but didn’t. Seeee….kindness!  And perhaps when that coworker gets home and realizes she’s been horrible to everyone and you were NOT horrible in return, she will make a new commitment to kindness on her own part.



Understand that you will begin to try your hardest at constant kindness, and you will fail.  Yep….you will. How’s that for an uplifting, encouraging thought?  But really, it is encouraging. It’s human nature to commit to something: weight loss, a New Year’s resolution, relationships, etc. And it’s human nature to fail and then get discouraged and eventually give up. We’ve all done it. Half of the battle lies in understanding that it is indeed human to fail. Again, it’s the intention behind it all that matters. And if your intention is to be kind, that includes being kind to yourself. So start small, set a small goal and once you achieve that, add another.  Your first step may be to figure out how to help less fortunate people in your community. Even if you can’t afford to feed them, you can go to the local food bank and assist in packing up the food.  You may not be able to adopt every child that needs it, but you can volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club, or even have one of your children’s friends over whom you hear is having a rough time. This is a great first step to understanding how lucky you are, which is a key part of kindness and empathy.

I found that this verse by Maha Ghosananda is a pretty helpful reminder of the path and process:

The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into the habit;
Habit hardens into the character;
Character gives birth to the destiny
So, watch your thoughts with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of respect for all beings...



Remember kindness really does start with you. Towards yourself first and then on to others.  So therein lies Kindness Challenge #2.  Take time to be kind to yourself FIRST.  This means looking at yourself honestly in the mirror and finding at least one thing every day that you genuinely love about yourself.  It can be big or small. How about the color and expressiveness of your eyes? That your good soul shines through your smile?  Your hands and that they've lovingly cared for your children or supported others?  After you've acknowledged what you like about yourself, try to identify what you like about others, and I mean ALL of the others.  Even the assholes. Maybe the one who cut you off has a nice car that you recognize they probably work very hard for. Maybe that nasty coworker has nice skin, a face that isn't yet being marred by wrinkles despite her permanent scowl?  This WILL take work. Trust me. And for that occasional person that you cannot possible find one good thing about? Pity them. Hope that they come around eventually and be extra thankful that you have self relection.

And after you've done that for a week, the phrase above will become more clear and simple. It will become habit to look for the best. And you will be easier on yourself when you recognize how good you are. That's where that quote "You Must Be the Change You Want to See in the World" came from. Gandhi got it right. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that!



Winter is not my favorite season, you will here this oh...about a thousand times this season.  It is, however, an excellent time for rebirth.  Letting the old leaves and bad habits die away and fall by the wayside in Autumn.  In the winter, spending time together with your loved ones who encourage and accept you the most is the best way to find acceptance for yourself and meditating on what you really want to see change about yourself and how to get there.  And then finally, Spring.  A time to put your mediations and plans into place. So here's to you and our Winter Challenge...Good luck! I even put pretty pictures of winter in this post to help you to look forward to it...its not working for me, how about you?

My Butterfly Effect: Enjoying Starting Over Large and Small

I’ve been off the radar lately.  I’m sorry for this. And last night while I drafted this post in my mind, I realized that I’ve become equal parts comfortable and uncomfortable with one part of my life: my tendency to start over. And when I mentally wrote last night I realized with this post that I would be “starting over on starting over”. It’s been weeks since I’ve posted, and now I’m back at the beginning in a way. I’ve got a list of ideas, waiting in line to get out of my head and onto paper (well, the screen, actually). 

I realized that starting over has become a huge facet of my life. I have come to like the few days of disgruntlement (is that a word? It is now!), because after those few days of climbing into my own head, something creative and inspired makes its way out. I realize that’s a terrible mental picture, but you get my point.  I sit down to write, or to read, listen to my favorite music or play the guitar, I make and produce something. Sometimes it’s really horrible music from said guitar, but that’s okay.  To be inspired and to become inspiring is what I set out for.  It’s a constant cycle, essentially the butterfly and the caterpillar, I recognize.  Those few days of jumbled thoughts and uncomfortable nervous energy that make up my version of a caterpillar make way for something else, my personal version of a butterfly.



In the past, I’ve haven’t always been able to put my finger on what was bothering me. I just knew a few days would go by, accompanied by a bad mood and an aversion to doing pretty much anything. Now I realize it; it’s my way of prompting myself to move on and change something.  Whether it’s a relationship that just isn’t feeling right, or a lack of creativity, or a hiccup at work. Whatever it is, I’ve learned to listen to my internal voice much more.

And when I look back at my “start overs”, I realize many of them were not only necessary, but absolutely the right choice.  I need that rebirth and semi-clean slate, as most of us do. When we dwell on the negative without changing it or taking a fresh look at it from a different perspective, we get tangled up in it and eventually dragged down. I’m sure you’ve watched this happen to someone you know.  Watching it happen is always easier to take that knowing it’s happening to us.

The larger start overs take more courage, sure, but they’re just the first big step. Like ending my marriage. That was the first big start over years ago. I had gone a decade refusing to acknowledge that nagging feeling, stuffing it down into that box that held all of my avoided issues like a best friend that didn’t fit anymore, a super stressful job doing something I wasn’t passionate about, a freeze on my creativity and my sensual and sexual side. None of these things are good.  Oh, and my passion as a whole was shoved and crumpled into a far, dark corner.

Once I made that first leap, which was of course the most difficult, I realized that I could make it through the rebirth. I really could start over, large and small.  And I have.  I opened that box, and let everything out of my Pandora's Box.



So when you feel a nagging, try to take the time that you deserve and figure it out. Everyone’s method of figuring it out is different, mine is music and creative endeavors along with nature. Be willing to face it, it will do you a world of good down the road. You’ll learn that nagging is very rarely nothing to worry about.

You’re internal alarm is going off for a reason, trust yourself more and worry about other people’s opinions less. Because in the end, everyone gets to enjoy the beautiful butterfly you’ve become, but you’re the one responsible for it taking flight.

 

In the meantime, here is a very small portion of my internal sorting out playlist:

The Weary Kind, by Ryan Bingham

California Waiting, Kings of Leon

Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson but the Sugarland version

Gypsy, Stevie Nicks

Nothing Left to Lose, Mat Kearney

Wicked Game, Chris Isaak

Turpentine, Brandi Carlile. Anything by Brandi will do.

Anything by the Counting Crows, the Eagles. And any band named after birds. Nah….just kidding about that last part.  Would love to hear your list!

My Crafts and How to Get Them!

Recently, I've been spending a lot of time crafting. And I've met quite a few people asking for my contact information and where/how to get the goods:)  You can contact me directly at my email: dustwanderlust.com.  I take custom orders for candles, wreaths and the Redneck Wine Glasses.

Refurbed and shabby chic furniture and decor will be posted as available also.

Here are some pics!  Please email any questions or requests. Thank you!





And of course, the Redneck Wine Glasses!  They're $10, delivered locally or shipped (shipping charges tbd).



Candles come in a variety or sizes, scents and colors.  I also take requests!