Humanity, Empathy and the One Sentence by Elizabeth Edwards That MadeMe Cry

Empathy, by definition, means the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. It’s a word that I’ve used or been called many times over past years. Sometimes I have a very difficult time deciphering if being overly empathetic is a blessing or a curse.

I thought of this tonight because of one small sentence in the forward of the book I’m reading, which triggered my tears. Not a flood, but enough that my friend who was present asked if I ever wonder if I’m “overly empathetic”. Yes, a million times. And no, I don’t consider myself “overly” anything.

The woman writing it was Elizabeth Edwards. I may disagree and differ from her in many ways, but I admire the strength that she demonstrated during her last years. She had lost a child, she had a cowardly wayward husband and had subsequently lost a great love during the darkest days of her life.  And through this, she held fast to her children and her dignity, determined to spend her remaining time with the people that she KNEW deserved it most. She did it with grace.


I have, over the years, given an ample amount of thought to this trait of mine. I had always thought that everyone was as sensitive as I was when it came to “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes”. That wasn’t the case, which I recognized when I grew up, physically and mentally. I know this had much to do with my upbringing. My parents made it a point to show us all sides of the spectrum, to make sure we weren’t some suburban, sheltered kids. I know it’s just what it should be.  Humanity.

hu·man·i·ty

1) all human beings collectively; the human race; humankind. 2) the quality or condition of being human; human nature.  3) the quality of being humane; kindness; benevolence.

I think there was a time when people cared for others that way, a general attitude of caring, taking care of your neighbor, being a collective community. I know as well as the next person that there are people who simply don’t deserve my care.  I know there are annoying in-laws, horrid ex's, generally unkind people. And while I don't have to include them in my everyday thoughts and being, I do throw them a shout out when I'm tossing around some good vibes. Because being caring and empathetic makes you a more loving and happy person. You do get what you give, of this I am absolutely certain.

I'll continue on this hippy, happy way of loving the world I live in and the people I exist with. I hope you do as well. I hope that everyone remembers to check on their neighbors, to help a stranger, to let yourself feel other people's joy and their pain.  You're probably wondering what the heck this sentence was that reminded me of what a "feeler" I am.  It is sad, but it is love and life, it is worth remembering every day whether it applies to your own life or you are feeling on behalf of someone else.  This is what Elizabeth Edwards wrote about the author of the book I'm reading, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston:

"And most of all, I'm grateful for the chance to repeat to Gordon the words of his son Lucas, who at six was awaiting death as the bone marrow Gordon had donated failed to work the medical magic they both deserved: "I love your voice."

There will be a time when you depend upon someone else, whether it's those annoying in-laws who suddenly are lifesavers or a total stranger, hopefully it’s someone who is a believer that kindness and empathy shouldn’t be a rare trait.  Someday we will get back to that being a way of life, versus it being something that gets remarked about because it’s different.  It has to become a movement, and it has to begin with me and with you. And it has to start now.

Finding Your True North

Recently, I was asked to describe my style. My first thought? Easy! No problem! Errrr…or not. It should be easy, after all, it’s MY style. I figured it would help me if I looked around my house. This is what I got: buffalo skulls, tiki men, cowboy memorabilia, year round Halloween decor, year round Christmas lights, farm tables, wooden crates, shabby chic buffets, lace, leather, boots, heels, repurposed antique cribs. Needless to say, that didn’t help at all except to point me to the fact that I have no style. At least no indescribable style. And therein lies my style. Did that make sense? Probably not. But I did find a great picture of my very tough Pit Bull/Lab mix. He is my style.

So in order to describe my style to this person, I created a Pinterest Board. In case you live under a rock or are technically challenged (I’m honored that you found me!),  Pinterest is just pictures of interest that people from every walk of life post when something catches their eye. You can select a picture that you like and post it to your own portfolio, which is made up of Boards that you name. I went online, I scrolled away and searched, and tagged anything that I felt described my style. What a mess that board is. But it’s accurate and quite beautiful to me.

Then it happened. I found one picture that I could not ignore and fell instantly and madly in love with. The Magnolia Pearl Airstream (below). I can picture myself living in it. This woman GETS it, and has a life of inspiration to show for it. That sealed the deal. What deal, you wonder?

I have mentioned before that I’ve always thought that I would have lived my life on the road. I have an insatiable quest for knowledge. Usually the odd and irrelevant kind, but not always. I love to learn about people, cultures and nature from the source directly. My “Ford Pick Up Across The US” plan got changed up when I got preggers. Now I drag them along while I criss cross my way across this beautiful land. And I LOVE that. Eventually, however, they won’t want to do that with me (insert ridiculously sad face here). I’m going to have to have a plan that goes beyond my kids, my next year and my planned dinners for the week. I need to look on the horizon. So I did. And I saw myself on that horizon, in an Airstream, seeing the land that I love.


I instantly thought back to a conversation that I had months ago with my darling friend Chandra of The Earthfood Experiment fame. She mentioned that she had been assembling pictures, quotes, anything at all that she felt represented her future life, her dreams. And she knows without a doubt they will happen. She wrote a beautiful blog post about it, which you can find here.

I took some inspiration away from this talk that we had months ago, and I started my own on Pinterest. I assembled pictures as a “home base”. When I get annoyed with the recent budget plans I’ve put into place, I will look at these. I put this budget in place so that I can, in six months, live without debt. I’ve been in some sort of debt since I turned 18, which is almost 20 years ago. Not counting debt to my parents, monetary and otherwise, which is way too much to ever calculate. When I get impatient, I will look and remember that everything worth doing is worth waiting for. When I want some ridiculous, unneeded impulse buy, I will look. And what will I see…

I will see me in a vintage truck hauling a funky, personalized Airstream.  I will see myself pulling off in some town in some state, setting my laptop on the old linoleum countertop, drinking crappy diner coffee and writing another chapter of my book.  Reading emails from my kids, who will be forging their own paths by then.  At least after I drag them along with me for the next few years.  But I will see myself SMILING.


I can’t tell you how clear things have become for me since I started this. It’s keeping me on my money track, it’s fueling my fire to keep writing so that I can become a traveling author. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, I mean, they’re only pictures, right?


No. They’re more than that. They’re my goals, in print and in color.  I SEE myself living that life, and I’m insanely happy right now to continue forging my path right where I am.  Because now, it feels right. My compass has been set on True North.  

What’s your True North? I encourage you to find a way to put it on paper. Something tangible that you can hold in your hands. Put it into a book as Chandra has done, put it on Pinterest like I have, print it out and put something in your purse or pocket and open and unfold it during moments of crisis, because we’ll all have them.  We will all have moments of doubt, of despair and of challenges.  Redirect your thoughts and your negative energy. Put it into something worthwhile and channel that energy into something positive: down from your brain and your heart, down your arm and right into that picture you’re holding. And there you have it. Your Compass to your True North.

Tuning Out in Order to Tune In: Select Ignorance and Bliss

I'm going to start off with that my eventual point is. Bliss. Here's some inspiration to keep in mind as you read. Also, I haven't said THANK YOU lately, for sticking with me and being a partner in my crazy ride. So...THANKS!  I heart you.  And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.



We hear a lot lately about how busy our kids are, how they’re overbooked and over stimulated.  How they’re involved in too many sports, too many instruments, too many school projects and buried under homework. I would tend to agree. Most parents spend their time chauffeuring, working while they wait for their child in the parking lots of schools and activities.  

What about the grownups? I use that term loosely, by the way. What about our distracted lives? My one and only resolution I made this year was to finally make sizable progress on my book. And when I reflected over this year, which is a favorite New Years Day activity, I wondered why I hadn’t made more progress already. It dawned on me finally: I’ve been simply “getting by” this year.  And frankly, I’ve been just getting by since I became a single mom.

I don’t feel any shame admitting that. To the contrary, actually. It’s somewhat liberating to admit that you’ve not been your best self, you’ve been a working version of you instead of the creative you. Those two things don’t always run side by side.  But without one or the other, you are keenly aware that you’re missing something. When I’m not at my creative best, I’m dissatisfied and disgruntled. These past few years have been pivotal for self discovery but not self improvement. Again, two things that aren’t always together.

So after a few years of getting by, I’m ready to jump back into making myself whole again and that self improvement part. Buuuuutt…my short list of duties includes working full time and then some, helping my daughter navigate the treacherous teens and school, helping my 7 year old boy grow into a great man and a good student, supporting and running a household, spending time with family and friends, cooking, cleaning, finding a new house, packing…you get the picture. And in 24 short hours, writing and creative endeavors get pushed back to….sometime next year if I’m lucky. Maybe 2015?

And then it occurred to me that I’m the Queen of Distractions. I get online to write, begin to research and then my ADD kicks in and somehow I’m looking at real estate listings in Montana. Or I’ve stumbling into Pinterest. Or I start paying bills (though I recognize this is crucial!). And of course, there’s the dreaded Facebook black hole.



I sat down and had a long internal talk with myself. I committed to a budget, and to setting aside SCHEDULED time to pay bills. I don’t touch them otherwise. I cleaned my house. After the holidays, it was a cluttered disaster, and I frequently spent time sitting around looking at it helplessly, my only decision being to cry or not. I figure I was probably spending a half an hour a day just navigating over Christmas boxes, dogs and tinsel in order to make myself lunch. And I was unhappy with the mess and clutter. So I threw a ton away, I’ve given a ton away. I don’t miss one single thing, either. I probably couldn’t even tell you what’s gone. This has helped dramatically in my 100 Item Challenge. Although I’ve now lost count of how much is gone. That’s okay.

I turned off the TV and turned on music. I discovered I can lip sync and dance while doing practically anything. Note I didn’t say I danced well, but while vacuuming, anything helps. I turned to my kids for help. They looked panicky, because on this day of reckoning, I probably looked manic with all of my “good ideas”. But they’re old enough to be pulling way more weight than they do, and I’m not making them contributing members of this household. I’m not doing them (or their future roommates/spouses) any favors either by allowing them to be sloppy slackers.

What I've learned? Cut out the crap. Limit your online time. Use all of your tools, including kids. Tie the vacuum to your dog and make him earn his keep. I tried that, but my dog is too lazy and doesn’t mind having a vacuum tied to him apparently, so it was a bust. Establish a routine and a schedule. It doesn’t have to be rigid; after all, creative and passionate people usually do poorly without some degree of spontaneity. But turn off the phone, stop texting for a few hours, turn off the TV because it sucks you in before you notice it. This isn’t just to clear time; it’s to clear your head as well.

If you sit for a quiet five minutes, all by yourself, you will notice you already have a ton of information swirling around in your head. You have everywhere you need to be, that present to buy, the kids’ homework, the work deadlines, the question if you remembered to shower that morning? Do you really need to add in there all the days’ bad news, the market crash, that someone changed their FB status to single (wonder what happened there…)?  Probably not, at least not right now. But you could spend that time working towards your bliss, picturing what makes you happy (I've provided blissful pictures in case you need help) and working to get there in some small way or another. It doesn’t have to be a life overhaul, just baby steps for now.



I feel better already.  I’ve started to get up an hour earlier, I’ve tuned out considerably on my phone, and I watch a few choice shows a week. I’m not letting the media convince me that I should give a shit what any Housewife is doing to the other. Because I really don’t care.  My kids both have one activity to focus on, in addition to their chores and school work. We sit down together for dinner, not me eating in front of my laptop while my daughter texts and my son tries every disastrous attempt to get some attention from someone. 

Select ignorance really is bliss. Here’s to people who can only afford to “get by” sometimes, those of us who are fighting to get our whole self back, and those who aspire to greatness when we can squeeze it in!

“There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Goodbye 2011 Self...Hello Beautiful 2012 YOU.

Blogging is an oddly “big brother” type of deal. When someone visits my page, they get counted. When someone searches Google for something and ends up smack dab on my page, I get a note about how they got there. I like to think of it as a request box.  It gives me an idea of what people need to hear about. And if I’ve got some insight, I let it loose. I’m sorry for that. Kind of. But hey, they asked for it.

So when I mentioned to my sister that a lot of people over the New Year were searching for “saying goodbye to someone you love”, which I’ve written about before, she had a totally different take on it. Im a die hard romantic, so to me, every goodbye to a loved one is some overly dramatic, Mr. Darcy type of goodbye. The British novel goodbyes, specifically Austen, are the best. It’s always raining and there’s a beautiful dress being worn.  But my sister offered up a new perspective. She suggested saying goodbye to the 2011 “you”?  Huh, you might ask? I’ll explain.  But first I will explain that this is Mr. Darcy. And Mr Darcy Part Two, as in remake.  Pick your favorite.





Who made a Resolution this year? You? I did. But just one, and it didn’t have anything to do with my body, as they have been proven losers over the last, say, ten years. I decided writing an entire BOOK was easier than resolving work on me. Yikes.

So for those of you looking to shed last years “you”…what does that look like? Is it shedding some weight, a lot of weight or that last ten pounds? Is it becoming a different person in one way or another? Perhaps being more authentic (my favorite)? Or maybe it's that you’re resolved to trying something new this year. Say…zip lining? If it is zip lining, would you write a blog about it for me? Thanks. I don’t have the guts to do it myself.

Most people who do make resolutions make it as a step to becoming the person they want to be. I have a different outlook. I look at it as becoming the person you were always MEANT to be. That’s a big difference. I say this because one is optional (wanting to become) and one is expected and written in stone (MEANT to be). Perhaps the “you” that you were meant to be is one who would tell their mother in law that they find her disrespectful, unkind and overbearing, and afterwards will forge a strong bond with the woman they dared to stand up to. Or the “meant to be” you is 30 pounds thinner. Or perhaps she is one who dreams of writing a book one day (cough, cough). Or maybe the next you just wants to shake off some of what you did when you were younger and move on. The good news? This is all absolutely attainable.  The bad news? You need to be able to see the existing you for who you REALLY are.

That’s a scary proposition, I know. But trust me when I say that the “you” that you are now is an integral part of who you are. Whether you like her/him now or not, that person is important. And I am of the belief that once you decide who you will be and actually draw yourself a picture or take a snapshot in your mind, the path will become clear. People stress out so much about the path itself that they never take a second to look at the person they plan on becoming. What if you get there and decide that person is an ass? Then what? You start another path? No thanks. I’d rather decide who I am before I start that trek up Mount Everest, thank you very much.



My sister mentioned that some people may not be able/willing to shed their weight, their past, their preconceived notions due to what she and I refer to as a “woobie” I’ve mentioned the dreaded woobie before. It always has to do with leaving something behind as far as I can tell.  But it is, after all things, shaking off the old. Bringing in the new. What good has that old woobie done for you? It’s probably got holes you can fit your arm through by now, and an odd smell you can’t identify. Let it go. Ooh..I've used this picture before...not good. Means I've written about woobies A LOT!



Because, to steal an Oprah line, this is what I know. I know that the you that you envision is gorgeous. That person is gutsy, that person is sparkly and that person is authentic.

Your 2012 YOU is BEAUTIFUL!

Atheism and Brilliance: A Note on Christopher Hitchens and Differing Opinions

Many times since I’ve started this blog I’ve touched on spirituality and religion. I have asked people with a journey of their own to write guest blogs for me. I haven’t yet explained in-depth my own feelings towards it; my assumption is that as you continue to read, you will piece it together on your own. I also think that including differing views is important as well, especially in our quest for our own truth.



When I stumbled onto Christopher Hitchins many years ago in Vanity Fair magazine, he was like a train wreck to me. I didn’t like what I read, or rather didn’t agree with the viewpoint, but I couldn’t stop reading. His first column that I read was about his staunch view on atheism. He was extremely in your face about his credence that no God exists, almost taunting. For some reason, I continued to read month after month despite my differing opinion about religion. We did agree on one thing: that organized religion is at the heart of many of the worlds conflicts.  I chose this quote about his views to illustrate his thoughts: “Hitchens contended that organized religion is the main source of hatred in the world: violent, irrational, intolerant, allied to racism, tribalism, and bigotry, invested in ignorance and hostile to free inquiry, contemptuous of women and coercive toward children, and that accordingly it "ought to have a great deal on its conscience.”  I agree with him that people use religion as a basis for war, judgment of others, intolerance and demagogy.  But I do have belief and faith that the world can be better eventually, whereas he did not.  And I admit that the news carries stories every day proving me wrong. I still believe that I can work to help others, to demonstrate my own faith by loving people despite our differences and by continuing to see the goodness in humankind.



I was married to a Jehovah’s Witness (a fallen one obviously, as they aren’t supposed to marry outside of their faith) for ten years.  He had not only fallen away from the religion, but his upbringing had left him very soured to the thought of religion as whole.  And despite my early assumption that it was “no big deal”, I came to understand that for him, he was his own highest power. And to that end, it was like living in a bad city with no police.  Like the Wild West, with no law to answer to, no guideline to follow and no repercussion for breaking a law.  This was my only personal experience with someone who was a nonbeliever, so to read Hitchens’ viewpoint actually gave me insight into the fact that not all nonbelievers are lawless. 

When Christopher Hitchens became ill with cancer a couple of years back, I continued to read his column which spoke about his illness and his strong opinions on pretty much every topic. Your feeling on religion aside, the man was brilliant. He could speak about many topics, to any audience. He was snarky and sarcastic, often self depreciating, which I appreciate.  He had a humor about his sickness, and for a good while was determined that this cancer would not defeat him as it had his father.  Sadly, he was incorrect and he passed away earlier this month.

When I read that he had passed, I went onto the VF website to read his memoriam written by Graydon Carter, the Editor of VF. It was deeply respectful and alluded to the genius that many felt Hitchins possessed. I also dug deeper to see if he had what sometimes happens: a deathbed conversion.  He did not and in fact he was adamant that would not happen. He held fast to his convictions right up until the end. I suppose after a lifelong certainty that he was right, most would choose to not let go of them in the end.

If nothing else, I remain optimistic that when people learned of his passing that they did not further his hunch about religion being the main source of hatred in the world.  He was someone’s love, someone’s son and someone’s brother.  I am hopeful that whatever religious creed someone subscribes to, that it holds within it the most basic and profound of all values: KINDNESS, COMPASSION AND LOVE.

Finding the Unexpected Beauty of Life in the Phoenix Airport

One of my favorite things in the world is travelling. One of my least favorite things is leaving my children. Therefore a dilemma arises when I’m faced with business travel.  Since I am the first person to admit that working from home has probably been the biggest blessing this last three or so years, I’m also the last person to complain when company travel comes up. I pack my obnoxious leopard bag and head out the door after some hardcore stressing out and child care planning.  Business travel becomes exponentially more complicated when you’re a single mom. Not to mention, the stress of actually putting one foot in front of the other to physically get on the plane. That part gets tricky.

I am not a natural flyer. You know, a natural is someone who doesn’t sweat profusely or panic wildly when they think about getting on a plane. I would definitely fall into the opposite of a natural flyer. My parents both dislike air travel, therefore I was raised a hardcore road tripper. This has been a blessing and curse. Blessing in that I love to travel to new places and I’m totally comfortable wherever I go, and I’m like a kid discovering somewhere new. Curse in that sweaty, panicky way I mentioned earlier. Something like the below picture.

I will add that I’ve gotten better. I don’t require the Xanax anymore. Or the brown paper bag. Or the wine.  I just really love to see and experience new places, so I have begun to take that opportunity where it presents itself. Travel has landed on my door step, and I take that as a sign that I have a lot to see.

This week I flew to California, via Phoenix on a layover. I sat on the plane, waiting to leave Phoenix, actually in line to take off. I slid up the shade that the previous flier had slid down to shut out the outside world. And when I did, I saw that it was sunset. And it isn’t called the Valley of the Sun for nothing. It was so stunning, I almost cried. Because I am now, and hope to always remain, a sap like that. I cried the first time I saw snow capped mountains. I am regularly moved to the verge of tears by the sight of the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes.



So here I was, a little bummed to be on a plane across the country from my people, and I realized something important. Two things, actually. That THIS moment, this awareness and appreciation for one of the most majestic moments in life, the setting of the sun over the mountains in the desert, is exactly WHO I am. The people in front and behind me had their shades pulled tight, and my face was smacked so closely against the window that I wondered what I must look like from the other side. Bonkers, I’m sure. And that is A-Ok with me, because I think those people with their shades pulled are missing a chip. And that lead to my second moment, the one that made me realize life is made up of these moments. And if you don’t pull up the shade, you’ll never see them. 



I mean, I was taking off in Phoenix, looking at a painted sky behind the mountains and a blazing sun, and landing to the vision of the California moon. And I got to see this all at the most unexpected moment.

Be on the lookout for your unexpected moments. And be sure to always pull up your shade and smack your face against that window. Life is better there.

 

*These aren’t my pics, as I was gonna get tossed if I turned on my phone. But these look JUST like what I got to witness. And I’ll be posting a few posts this weekend…had lots of time to think while I traveled. Upcoming…San Francisco thoughts and my visit, and how awesome it is when an Ex makes it easier to move on. Stay tuned, peeps.