If you can read this bumper sticker, I've lost my trailer.

As I may have mentioned a million times, I love to travel. And I love to travel by car, not by plane. If you’re not one of the lucky few who have flown with me, be grateful. I will say that it often includes a brown paper bag, Xanax and a little plastic bottle of wine. I don’t care if it’s 7am.

Fear of flying notwithstanding, I have always chosen road trips anyhow. When we were younger, my parents where the royal couple of road trips. We took trips all over, which often included some sort of disaster along the way. But some of those disasters amount to hilarious memories that we have now. I had quickly discovered that, in addition to inheriting my father’s height and my mother’s nose, I’ve inherited the disastrous vacation gene. Disastrous may be too strong of a word. So I’ll use “challenging”.

I mentioned in a previous post that I recently bought an RV. This seemed ideal enough, since I’m traveling pretty extensively this summer out West. And given that I’m a nature lover, the idea of waking up in the middle of the Rocky Mountains and opening my RV door to see snow capped mountains while I have my coffee? Dreamy with a capital D. Sounds so romantic, don’t you think?

So you can see how actually having to TOUCH the previously referred to “shitter” (aka the sewer hookup) did not align with my romantic vision. Either did the downpour that wasn’t in the forecast. Or the blinking dashboard indicator on the Ford that kept saying “TRAILER DISCONNECTED”.  Or the breaking of the jack stands to level the RV, which resulted in a slightly crooked and wobbly RV. I felt like I was in a boat, with all the water and the wobbling. And I’ll tell you that I could have never been a chef in any kind of galley kitchen, because I stabbed, poked and tripped over myself. And then it led to the crashing realization that my ass really is as big as I think, as indicated by my inability to navigate around the kitchen table or “squeeze” by anyone including the dog.



Through the tears of my “big ass” epiphany, we did manage to take the kids to Knoebles, and all was right with the world. Even though it was a soggy, cold world. If you haven’t been there yet, you need to go. It fit in perfectly with my goal of living a bit more simplistically and less materialistically. You don’t pay any admission to the park, so grandparents can come along for free. You can pack a meal, or buy it there for a steal. Food and drinks were really affordable.  And the games down the shore that cost you $5 to play, and all you really get is the feeling that you’re a sucker? You can feel like a sucker at Knoebles for $.25! A quarter, people! I dumped all my change out of my bag that I’ve been meaning to cash in, and it kept my boy busy for a whole 10 minutes. That’s a lot for a hyperactive 6 year old boy, trust me. I got to eat my pierogies in peace!!  

You have the option of an all day “all you can ride” pass for $31, or you can buy tickets like you would at a carnival. We opted for all day passes for the kids, and a pack of tickets for the adults. It worked perfectly.  http://www.knoebels.com/carousel-roller-coaster.asp  You don’t pay for parking, you can pack a lunch, bring the grandparents and step back in time. And with such affordable prices, you can even splurge on the $2 rain poncho. Just in case.

Bathroom Barfer

Occasionally, you come across something that you have to share, as a service to those around you. Sometimes, it’s useful information like recipes, coupons, DIY tips. And sometimes, it’s something so stupid, ridiculous and hilarious at the same time that it actually makes you question yourself because you sat for the last 20 minutes reading it. Not that I do that. But I “have a friend” who does. So, in honor of taking a few minutes out during the day to just make yourself laugh, let’s talk about Craigslist “Missed Connections”.

It’s no secret that I had been out of the dating game for well over a decade, and even when I was dating, I didn’t like it. So, when I did start dating again after my split, I realized that I still hated it. I had a single friend who was glorious at dating. Now, she is naturally sports-oriented. Me? Not so much. So she approached it like a sport, she was organized, she kept her eye on the ball and I swear she had a play book and roster hidden somewhere. I had none of that; I am a naturally crappy sports player and dater. And now I know why. Craigslist “Missed Connections” solved it all. I was going about it ALL wrong!

Some people (my friend) are naturals. The rest of the world is still fumbling around, split between hot messes (again, see “Missed Connections”) and me, who in my dating awkwardness still happened to land a guy who holds the door for me, laughs when I spit something out that was probably left better unsaid and is the last guy I can imagine writing a missed connection labeled “Bathroom Barfer”. I’d like him to stick around for a while, so that I can avoid being any of these following titles taken directly from MC, under the section of guys looking to reconnect with girls they’ve admired in these various situations:

Apr 28 - i'm a big fat guy and you're a big fat girl - m4w - 24

Apr 28 - two drunk girls on Lancaster walk - m4w - 22

Apr 26 - That Fine Lady In Pants At Target - m4w - 33 * just a note here, I thought EVERYONE wore pants to Target?! Guess not.

Mar 22 - sorry i was needy on friday - m4w

And, of course, the Bathroom Barfer, who garnered this lovely sentiment of adoration from a stranger: “hey i was going to puke my guts out and you were already puking i think thats great and i want to get to know you with the chance you will look at this; i think i found my soul mate learched over a potty heaving rotton love into a toilet bowl !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Clearly, my aversion to throwing up in public toilets (or at all), my intolerance of improper grammar and my insistence on correct capitalization of the letter “I” has been holding me back all along. Thank you, Craigslist MC, for clearing this all up. I owe you one.

This here's an RV....

 

It's tough to get that across without having that Uncle Eddie accent and shiny white leather shoes.  If you don't know who Uncle Eddie is, run, don't walk, to your computer and immediately log onto NetFlix and order National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. You have been seriously sheltered and left out.  

For the rest of you in "the know", I am conjuring up pictures of Uncle Eddie emptying the "shitter" into the street drains and kidnapping Clark's boss. I will not be doing any of those things, but I am indeed becoming the proud owner of this RV:

  

As you may have guessed by my blog title, I'm a bit of a traveler. My life plan until my early 20's was to buy an old pickup, drive until I came across a little town I liked and become a waitress and settle there until I got bored (which would have been about 1.5 weeks) . However, I hit some hurdles. Like the fact that I once dropped an entire tray of extra-large Wendy's sodas after insisting to my entire family that I could do it. After which I'm certain my older sister screeched something like "See! I told you you'd drop them!" Thus, killing my confidence to be a waitress forever. And don't forget my lack of funds, given my tendency to jump jobs and go surf or camp instead. Oh, and then there was that small little happening of getting pregnant with my daughter. And since I couldn't strap her to my uncoordinated, unemployed back while I drove across the country and found a job other than waitressing, I took the responsible route of forcing my children into a weekend gypsy lifestyle. Which is to take long road trips where they MUST look out the window, enjoy nature and in my infamous words, "suck it up". This "suck it up" quote can be applied to being bored, thirsty, hungry or any other complaint. Feel free to use it.

So back to my RV. I'm traveling again this summer, back to beautiful Nebraska with the best friends to see their wonderful family, and then on to Colorado and Wyoming. And at some point, I did the responsible thing and started to budget.  I realized that a group of five (boyfriend, me, my +two and his +one) was kinda pricey. Which is pretty much what my parents have been telling me.... forever.  My small realization that a trailer would be cheaper and a better investment led me to where so many of my musings do... to Craigslist. And here I am, en route tomorrow to pick it up.

So wish me luck tomorrow and look for updates on rv life, the shitter and my future purchase of white patent leather loafers.  Okay, well maybe not the shitter.