But you do, thankfully, become a bit wiser, albeit a bit more bruised as well. And I’ve noticed there seems to be a dynamic that I can only describe as “Fire versus Function” in personal relationships.
When women are young, most of our mothers and fathers told us we could have what we set our mind to. And most of us, myself included, believed it. And if we’re lucky, we haven’t become jaded and still believe it. The difference is, now we’re afraid to go after it. We’re afraid of the actual follow through.
This is true in our professional lives as well of our personal lives. Enter my theory of Fire versus Function. When it comes to dating, women have a “dream man”. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, ladies. You and I both know it. We become acutely aware as we begin to date that we may have to leave behind a couple of our “wants” on the wish list. Maybe the perfect smile or the super fit body. Everybody has a few things they’re willing to forego. But here’s the tricky part… when you get to a point where you split your “requirements” or “wants” into two totally different men. When your “want” list is seemingly impossible to find in one person. Look around and think about it, you see it all the time.
And these two groups of “wants” have become what I call Fire and Function. If you’re a super lucky gal, you’ve found this rare man in which both groups exist. If that’s you, you should consider putting him in a museum or perhaps the zoo, so the rest of the female population can stop by and see what one actually looks like. But for the rest of you, you may have to make a decision. Go with the fiery guy, you may have the passion, the spark and the hot moments between you when you think you’ll both catch fire. Ummm… who doesn’t love that? However, the downside may be a commitment phobe and so much extra swagger that you’re not the only woman who finds it irresistible. Sound familiar? I like to call this guy Tristan, from Legends of the Fall. See below. *Swoon* Or you go with Mr. Function, who is steady and sure and what everyone calls “a good man” but perhaps it’s not as spontaneous and hot as Door #1. I call this guy Alfred from Legends of the Fall. Not so swoon, but not so bad. Picking up on my love of Legends of the Fall yet? I will continue to reference this movie for...ever.
Whatever happened to having it all? Or at least most of it? When did these two split into two people who are likely the exact opposite of one another?
And you find this in friendships as well. It’s what happens when you don’t know how to NOT be someone’s friend despite the fact that you outgrew each other in 1998. There’s no fire in your friendship, you’ve stopped appreciating each other’s strengths and opinions and instead keep them in your life because you don’t know how to not have them there. Don’t assume they want you there either; they may be in the same boat. You’re unrecognizable to one another. But how many people know how to break up with a friend? Especially when there’s no big blow up or event to argue over, it’s just time to move on. They’ve become your functional friend who is not actually functioning, and you may be theirs.
So why have we stopped making the hard decisions? To stay or to go? In short, one word: FEAR. Everyone knows that woman that’s afraid to be on her own. Maybe she’s afraid to find her true self or of having too much time alone to see who she really is. So you gotta ask yourself…. Is that you?
If so, I can’t say that I blame you for feeling the pressure. Society beats it into your head that everyone has to have a mate; everyone has to have old friends. Maybe that’s just not the case. Everyone is different, we know that. Maybe people who simply feel that choosing between Mr. Fire and Mr. Function is “settling”, and chose to be with Mr. Right Now or alone in the meantime, would do so proudly it would actually become more of the society norm. And frankly, I am a believer that women should take time alone to get to know themselves. After all, how can you expect anything at all out of a lover when you don’t love yourself enough to spend quality time with just you?
And how can you grow if you have people holding you back? Whether that’s a lover or a friend, it’s time to put your big girl pants on and have that conversation. They’re never easy, but they are always learning experiences. You’ll be one step closer to making room in your life for your friends or lover that will appreciate you for your bruised and wise self.
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